Disabled tortoise gets wheelchair

Zookeepers in Jerusalem solved this crippled tortoise’s mobility issues. The creature is fitted with a wheelchair attached to its back legs and fastened to its body with some fetching blue straps.

Fantastic

Well Done to Mammy Riots

Congratulations are in order for my dear old mam who today learned she will be attending a very prestigious university to study English as a dorty mature student. I have banned her from attending Fresher’s Week.

Congratulations mammy, you’re deadly.

The Blanchardstown Blondes

A story in parts in the style of acclaimed author, Amanda Brunker..

Sharon Rasher couldn’t believe her black-rimmed eyes.

Her best friend and co-worker at Spice Burger, Sandra Sausage, was mopping some kid’s vomit off the floor and was smiling broadly as she swirled it around the grubby tiles.

“Sandra, you fuckin’ hate cleanin’ puke, what de fuck has made ye so fuckin’ happy wha?” quizzed Sharon, quizzically.

Sandra jumped, looked up sharply at Sharon and licked her lips hastily.

“Ehhh, fuckin’….eh…just in a fuckin’good mood ya know. It’s not bleedin illegal is ih?”

“Yeah, what de bleedin ever love. I know dat look, ye got a bleedin roide so ye did. Come on, spill de beans wha..was it Freddie Frankfurter? I saw de way he was lookin’ at ye in Coppers at de weekend…”

“NO….um, I mean, no, I didn’t get me hole at all. I just tink I woke up happy ya know.”

“Yeah, whatever love, ye can tell me all de ins and outs at lunch time wha.”

The rest of the morning at Spice Burger, Blanchardstown’s premier fast food venue, passed uneventfully. Maggie Mash, the third wheel of the friendship trio had the day off to have a STD test after some alarming genital itching following her night of passion with a Trainee Garda in Templemore.

But it was only moderately busy, so the two girls were more than able to handle the customers, apart from the puking child, who ate three breakfast rolls and a large milkshake while his mam talked loudly on her mobile.

It was no wonder the kid chundered, thought Sharon. He made a fuckin’ pig of himself.

The night out in Coppers had been bitter-sweet. Nursing a broken heart after Pat Parsnips marched off with a fuckin foreidn national, Sharon tried to lose herself in the pop music and even mooched with a culchie from Buncrana wearing a GAA jersey in the smoking room.

But it wasn’t enough to stop her thinking of Pat’s broad chest and manly hands, which only days before, had been probing her fanny with more dedication than mulder and scully on an X-files case.

“I must stop tinkin’ about him,” thought Sharon to herself while she turned over some sausages on the display cabinet to disguise the dried up bits and stirred the congealing beans.

“He’s only a fuckin’ wankor,” she concluded.

And just when she needed her best friend, Sandra had seemed a bit ‘off’ with her. Sharon hoped she wasn’t boring the tits off her best mates by talking about Pat all the time, but when she tried to bring him into the conversation on their fag break, Sandra went quiet and then asked her to stop talking about him because she had heard enough.

 ”I wouldn’t mind,” mused Sharon. “Buh when she let Gavin Gravy do her up de asshole and den he never wanted to see her again I was fuckin der for hore.”

With that, Sharon stubbed out her John Player Blue, put her apron back on with a heavy sigh and reluctantly went back to finish the last two long hours of her shift.

Will Sharon find out Sandra rode de hole off Pat? Will Maggie Mash cure her Gee Rot with a course of antibiotics? Will Fingal County Council address the flooding issues affecting large parts of Dublin 15? Find out….soon…….

Terribly Single

Are there degrees of singleness? Can you be very single? A bit single? Moderately single? Or is it an absolute state? The thought came to me when examining the life of Blossom*, a 30-something woman who gives off more than a slight whiff of resolute and miserable aloneness. I compare her to Daisy* another 30-odder who holds the same badge of honour, but seems less….so. Perhaps because Daisy is quite chirpy and good natured in a pink-cheeked kind of way, while Blossom desperately needs to buy some blusher and maybe a sunnier disposition while she’s at it. Now I’m making the dreadful assumption that very single means miserable while mildly single means chirpy. But let me try and justify it: I somehow equate being very miserably single as very single, because it would appear one’s status holds bigger sway over one’s happiness than someone who is more comfortable being alone, sees romantic attachments as less important and by the same virtue, less single.

Confused? Yes, me too. I confuse myself quite frequently.

Daisy lives her life right in the here and now. She loves the simple things and takes delight in them. She gets attention from everyone.

I’m biased, however, because I strongly dislike Blossom. I think she either was a: bullied at school or b: the school bully. Either way, she’s a nasty piece of work who has jaw-dropping lack of judgment and impropriety. Despite her advancing years, she goes on the way I did when I was 18: “OHMYGOD I was sooooo drunk and my friend Fanny fell in a fountain” at that is the least of it. Blossom also carries her damaged soul around in this bony carcass with veiny arms and feet and flat tits which I imagine (ick) are all nipple. Even though she has bones you could slice ham on, clothes look dreadful hanging on her hunched shoulders. (FYI If I was a man or a lesbian, I’d totally want a nice big round pair of baps and a squishy arse to wrap myself around.) She gives off the air of being terribly miserable and terribly single.

Blossom looks way older than her years. Deep lines snake around her sickly pallor which at least give you something to focus on when she tells another one of her tedious anecdotes which invariably end in: “and then we all done tequila slammers and it was sooo much fun”.

She goes on multiple first dates, but never a second. I wonder what she tells them, over dinner or drinks, to make them run for the hills. I doubt she would come in too fast, like Jennifer Aniston, and mention babies, because you know, she’s so damn cool. Or maybe it’s because she thinks she’s so damn cool, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth: she’s washed up before her time and bitter with it. Nothing cool about that my friends.

 

My status: Moderately single.

Lorna Page- the original press release and comment

Lorna herself has responded to the dubious nature of the original story and also, There is no mention of a big advance in the original press release of Lorna Page’s book A Dangerous Weakness, the attached news story causing a maelstrom of attention and speculation on this blog and elsewhere. Ms Page’s daughter-in-law has just come forward to address the confusion surrounding the “big advance” from a Vanity publisher: Enjoy.

 

First Novel at 93

LONDON, June 26 /PRNewswire/ — A 93-year-old woman is having her first novel published and with the book’s proceeds plans to buy a large house in Devon so she can give a real home to some of her friends who are currently in nursing homes. Lorna Page of Surrey says: “I started writing as soon as I could hold a pencil; fairy stories, poetry, short stories, and now my novel, a who-done-it. Seems I’ve been writing for a hundred years and that’s practically true!”

During the Second World War Ms. Page helped to organize the local branch of the Women’s Junior Air Corps, sewing the uniforms herself. She stayed one lesson ahead of the class she taught in Morse code, and drilled and marched the young cadets around the village lanes, while rearing two children in a cottage with no electricity or running water, “where rats ran through the thatch overhead”. She says she was one of the lucky ones to have a house at all. During that period her writing took her away from the everyday life of bomb shelters, gas masks, and air raid sirens.

Ms. Page’s book A Dangerous Weakness is being published by AuthorHouse this July. It begins when Marion Hemming accepts an invitation to spend the Christmas holidays in Switzerland with an old classmate from her boarding school days, and is on the brink of doubting her marriage. She never suspects that the seemingly innocent invitation is part of her husband’s plan to involve her in a bitter power struggle which includes unanticipated treachery and leads her into uncertain partnerships and liaisons. From a luxurious, forbidding house in the Swiss mountains to London’s room eleven on the eleventh floor of a hotel, A Dangerous Weakness catches Marion up in a chase which brings her full-circle to the realities of love and one woman’s strength.

Lorna Page is busy at work on her next book, a collection of short stories. “After all,” she says, “I have to buy a jolly big house for all the friends I have who are alone and need a home.” A signed copy of A Dangerous Weakness can be ordered directly from the author at lornapage@gmail.com or is available from your local bookshop.

Ms.Page is available for interview.

    Contact information:
    Cate Allen
    tel: +44(0)7964-555-216
    lornapage@gmail.com

Distributed by PR Newswire on behalf of Lorna Page

The idiot test

This drove me mad for ten minutes

Enjoy the weekend my fellow bloggers. Spend your Friday in work playing the above game. Note: Writing down the sequences is cheating. You were the kid who glued their egg to the spoon. Shame on you.

My new best website

Polyvore is a fantastic gem of an idea. This website puts together different outfits so you don’t have to. For the fashion obsessed amongst us, it’s wonderful for ideas and inspiration. While some of the items are pricey, the polyvore guys more than compensate with some bargain buys from New Look etc.

30 things to do before you’re 30 and your ovaries fall out

I hate those “30 things to do before you’re 30″ lists. They imply that once you turn the third decade, it will no longer be possible to bungee jump, munch on a woman’s fanny, or scale Everest with only some runners and a tampon for company.

What happens? You reach three-oh and your legs fall off? You grow webbed toes? Can only breathe under water? Develop cock rot?

“I’d love to come rock climbing with you tomorrow, Jeremy, but unfortunately I turned 30 last week and have grown this tough bit of gristle which joins both my legs together. Climbing a rock would prove impossible without the necesseary joint movement.”

Writers who compile such lists do so because they are comforted by a sense of compiling lists and also they are lacking the imagination to put together a fucking original feature.

As someone who has been a journalist for a fair few fucking years, I can tell you the profession is flooded with these foreskins. Not only are their features unthreatening, uninspired and insipid, their lack of ability is inversely proportionate to their ego.

A writer who, for the sake of libel shall remain nameless, and with zero talent, climbed her way through the jungle of one major tabloid newspaper because she was enthusiastically fucking the old, married, tired and dried up chain-smoking deputy editor. The subs would bitch to high heaven about her retarded copy. “She couldn’t even string a sentence together,” they would snarl. “We had to write everything for her.”

And that is the problem with most of this OP-ED style. It’s tired, awash with retreads and completely uninteresting. Who gives a fuck about Roisin Ingle, for example (Irish Times) who loves to tell the country about her Northern Prodestant Boyfriend. What’s more shocking is that she managed to get a boyfriend in the first place, not the religious dichotomy. That same woman wrote an entire column on how she downloads music from iTunes. Piss off.

The Daily Mail is also filled with shite features concerning women whose wombs fell out when they went on a new detox plan, how more and more people are forced to eat sanitary towels because of the credit crunch and how Britain’s teenage girls are all fucked because they want to be just like Jodie Marsh and give blowjobs when they’re nine.

It’s all a load of shite.

Just to drive my point home, most insipid and wanky 30 under 30 list for this week which cropped up in the Sydney Morning Herald. Rock n Roll!

1. Buy a one way ticket overseas

2. Borrow your nephews and nieces or friends’ kids for a weekend and take them to the zoo

3. Blow a week’s wages on dinner for two at a restaurant where the prices aren’t even listed on the menu

4. Have a one night stand with an attractive stranger you met at a party

5. March for a cause you believe in

6. Move out of home and live in a share house

7. Run a marathon - or if that’s too daunting, do a fun run

8. Invent your own cocktail

9. Learn a language

10. Get a Brazilian wax

11. Have sex in the open air

12. Read the collected works of an author you love

13. Get a letter to the editor published in your local newspaper

14. See the Aurora Borealis.

15. Try base jumping or another extreme sport

16. Bluff your way into a glamorous job you’re totally unqualified for

17. Join a political party and hand out how to vote cards on election day

18. Get involved in a team sport

19. Do a road trip with a bunch of mates in a dodgy car

20. Survive a flight on a third world airline

21. Find the love of your life

22. Lose the love of your life

23. Skinny dip in the ocean at midnight under a full moon with a group of friends

24. See the sun rise after an all night rave

25. Go to a gay bar - if you’re straight

26. Go hiking in Bhutan

27. Do a ten day yoga retreat

28. Make a fool out of yourself at a karaoke bar

29. Plant a tree for the environment

30. Get fake ID saying you’re 21

Man’s penis stuck in park bench

For Hong Kong resident Mr Le Xing, it seemed like a fabulous idea.

“I know” he mused “I will stick my penis into this metal park bench, how much fun would that be?”

But Mr Le Xing’s innocent adventure quickly turned disasterous when he was unable to remove his penis from the bench after copping a stiffy in the process.

According to reports from Hong Kong, the “lonely and disturbed” Mr Xing told police he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench, UK’s The Telegraph reported.

Unfortunately for Mr Xing, news crews descended on the park to film the rescue effort:

Doctors had tried to drain some of Mr Xing’s blood in an attempt to loosen his penis, but to no avail.
Rescuers eventually cut away part of the bench and Mr Xing was taken to hospital where doctors took another four hours to free him.
They said if Mr Xing had been stuck for another hour they would have had to amputate his penis.

How was your day?

See the video here…

Penis stuck in bench

Iris Robinson,homophobic skank, will not get told off for hate crime comments

Wednesday 13 August 2008

Robinson-Gay - epetition response

We received a petition asking:

“We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to reprimand MP Iris Robinson on her recent comments about Homosexuality.”

Details of Petition:

“MP for Strangford has recently suggested that all homosexuals should receive psychiatric treatment to help “cure” them. These comments are not fitting of a MLA let alone an MP. They show narrow minded views and the belief that in Northern Ireland that bigotry is acceptable.”

• Read the petition
  Petitions homepage

Read the Government’s response

There is no constitutional role for the Prime Minister to reprimand individual Members of Parliament who are accountable to their electorate for their own comments.

The Government is committed to strong equality legislation in Northern Ireland and citizens in Northern Ireland are protected against discrimination on grounds of race, religious belief or political opinion, gender, sexual orientation, age or because of a disability.  If anyone in Northern Ireland believes that they have been discriminated against on any of these grounds they may be able to bring a complaint to a tribunal or to a county court.  Further details are available from the Equality Commission whose website is at www.equalityni.org.

In respect of sexual orientation specifically, the Employment Equality (Sexual Orientation) Regulations (Northern Ireland) 2003 make it unlawful for employers and others to discriminate on grounds of sexual orientation in the areas of employment, vocational training and further and higher education. The Equality Act (Sexual Orientation) Regulations (NI) 2006 extend the protection against discrimination to the provision of goods, facilities and services, the management and disposal of land or premises and the provision of education in schools.

In addition, section 75 of the Northern Ireland Act 1998 requires designated public authorities to have due regard to the need to promote equality of opportunity between 9 different groups: religious belief; political opinion; race or ethnic group; age; marital status; sexual orientation; gender; disability; and persons with dependants. 

The Government’s vision is an equal, inclusive society in Northern Ireland, where everyone is treated with respect and where opportunity for all remains a priority.